Amazing Grace

It’s been a minute but I'm back with a few more insights into the growing pains of BECOMING! During my most recent period of isolation, I have begun the journey of making peace with my past and gaining a greater appreciation for each present moment. Though I look forward to the future I no longer allow it to diminish my appreciation for my current life experiences. I am quite literally striving to live in the moment…every moment…no matter who stands with me. My self-isolation was both a conscious and subconscious choice as some people eliminated me from their lives while I eliminated others from mine. I attribute each transition to growth for all parties involved. Since people honestly just grow up, tired, apart, cold, or weary! Either way, it becomes a necessary evil. 

With this growth comes the realization that as a healthy functioning human being, you are not always able to show up for yourself or others in the exact same way every single time; however this awareness has to be met with grace for relationships of any kind to be sustained. In my life for example I have always been a “MY people pleaser” as it relates to the most important people in my life. All others were met with an “I could care less” attitude because, in all honesty, I could! Those who I considered “My people” were never consciously met with a version of me that would not at least try to ensure their happiness even at the expense of my own. If they couldn’t count on anyone else rest assured that they could count on me. This blinding facade is why it became so difficult for my relationships to transition as I transitioned! Somehow that amazing grace was always absent when considering who I am to others. For 25+ years I was everything to everyone and had the means to do so and the absence of those means became a means to an end. It wasn’t until I was in a position of need, inability, or shortcomings that I recognized that the grace I had so freely divulged to others was never equally given to me. When I was unable to show up, not many checked to see if I needed a way! When I was unable to see their pain, not many attributed my blindness to my painstaking circumstances. The luxuries of grace that were so effortlessly extended to disloyal relationships, nonchalant friendships, and one-sided attachments were not so easily given to me! Somehow the one that previously offered the most benefit wasn’t extended the benefit of the doubt. Initially, this hurt me however that was the version of me that took most things personally. Rather than take it personally this time around I viewed it as their growing pains and simply let them grow! In the words of Lewis Capaldi “I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved’, however, that level of comfort is often the resting place of stagnation. So feel free to let me go if that is what you need to grow!